What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

One cannot live in the past .

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

Why do all the stupid people think Donald J. Trump is stupid?

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

I have no regrets .

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My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

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Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

Do you feel uncomfortable when you come across cross dressers?

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

She married twice! .

My family never makes their pension either.

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Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

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I said to her

Where the ultimate outsiders.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

Why is there no evidence of a multiverse theory?

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

He knew the spot.

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Comes on , in middle age.

I could never make a relationship work though!

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

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I was scared of men, in general

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

I had hoped to write a book about this .

So whats the point in blame.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

I was very sick at this time too.

Why did i forgive my father ?

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

They are buried together, in the same grave..

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

When she asked me how she looked .

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

The only rule us 5 kids had .

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

He resisted the act ,that day.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

My life is so biszare .

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

Was to survive, this bastard.

Ive learnt so much.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

She wouldn,t have been !

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

So, i spoilt her more .

But, we were locked up after school.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

As i do to all so called friends.?

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

But it wasn’t much.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

Put me off passion for life!!

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

She found it foreign!.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

Especially a lifetime of it.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

Who then, do I blame.?

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

I waited trembling.

I will be 64.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

I don,t even have a pension.

We were not on the streets..

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

(And it was in our own minds.)

I couldn’t, believe it.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

Im dying but, im not bitter.

I was 9 years of age.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

It was going to be , some day.

All the time i was locked up.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

What did i know ?

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

This is soul school!.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

Im still living with it.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

This is how, and why children get BPD.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

Would this be the day?

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

But ive been too sick for many years..

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

I think the readers, may guess!

We all went to grammer schools

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

And i lived it daily.

She loved him until the end.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

She was in good health!

I did it because my mum asked me too!

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

I never cut or harmed myself..

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

I write beautiful poetry .

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

I was seconnd youngest,

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

On the 31st of Jan this month .

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.